When you are not in love, it seems like everyone else is.

Story of my fucking life.

Misinterpretation.

So, after talking to Kevin last night I realized something.
He's just a friend.
All this time, I thought I had a crush on him. Only because I wanted to get closer to him, and he always pushed me away. I misinterpreted that as a crush, when really, now that I think about it with a clear head, I just wanted a better, stronger friendship. And now it looks like there is a possibility.

He has a girlfriend, and she's really nice. Kevin has made her very happy. And I'm very happy for them both.

I'm not creative enough to think of a title.

So I was walking my dog tonight at about 9 PM. It was kind of dark, and cool. I could see the beautiful moon, but it was kind of shaped oddly because of the phase we're currently in. I was singing to myself softly in the darkness -- I'm a horrible singer, but for some reason singing to myself calms me down, especially if it's a beautiful and meaningful song. I was barely whispering, trying not to disturb any of the peace.

But I don't deserve any of the beautiful, peaceful night.

Millions of miles away, people are dead or dying. In Africa, in Asia, in the Middle East. Even in our own country, people are suffering and don't get to enjoy what we take for granted. The US soldiers sacrifice so much for us, yet they hardly get rewarded. Their nights aren't peaceful, not if they're in combat. And I'd like to do something about that. But I don't know what.

I'd like to participate in Operation Pen Pal, and do something to reward the people who put themselves in harms way for us. I'm thinking about making mix CDs or something. DVDs and soap and things would help a lot too I know, but I want to make something. But I'm not sure quite what. Maybe you have an idea?

Operation Pen-Pal

This is crazy.

I'm never good enough.


I wish I was pretty.
I wish I was interesting.
I wish I was talented.
I wish I didn't make so many mistakes.
I wish I drew people in.
I wish I wasn't such an idiot.
I wish I wasn't me.

I wish there would be someone out there who thinks I'm amazing, who thinks I'm brilliant or interesting. Who doesn't think me awkward or ugly. Who actually remembers who I am.

Dude, total low self esteem moment.
I have too many of those, especially lately.

So much for being strong and independent.

The boy who broke my heart.

7th grade.
There was a boy.
A cute boy.
A sweet boy.
A talented boy.
I consider him my first real crush, even though I liked a boy in 6th grade. For some reason, the boy in 6th grade didn't make me go head over heels in like like this boy did.

8th grade.
I stopped talking to this boy. We didn't have any classes together. But I still liked him so much. And I knew it was wrong but I just did. I couldn't stop thinking about him, going all out to get him to notice me.

9th grade.
I still liked him. I asked him to homecoming, but he never gave me an answer. Then, a few months later I heard that a girl I knew asked him to Snowball and he said yes. And then they apparently made out afterwards.

This is what broke my heart.

I liked this girl, and I ended up becoming closer friends with her. But I cried so hard, not because he went to Snowball with that one girl, but because I knew that he was the only boy that I had ever had such strong feelings for, and he could never like me back.

I know now how naive I was, how I considered the fact that I was in love but now I know it was merely the pain of an intense, unrequited crush. By the end of my freshman year, I was completely over him. I realized how silly it was, and how we'd never make it anyway. I don't dislike this boy, I respect him a lot more than I did when I still liked him I think. Back then, I was hanging onto his every word, every glance. But now that my head is clear and I've moved on, I've realized that he taught me a lot. A lot about crushes and boys. And he broke my heart, which I now don't regret even happening. It forced me to move on, even though I had tried multiple times in the past, this hurt drove me and inspired me.

We don't talk much anymore, but I still hold the utmost respect for him. He showed me how strong I really can be. And now I realize I can't have a boy dragging me down. If a boy wants to be with me and I want to be with him, so be it. But I can't hold myself down with unrequited crushes. I was weak and naive for three long years. And now I am free from the burden of hurt and infatuation.

And it feels fucking great.