KELLA IS A PIECE OF SHIT.

I confronted her, and it ended up badly.
I kind of wish I didn't talk to her about it, but I'm also glad I did.
I don't feel on typing the whole story out, I'm so pissed.


DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

dsfhdsjkfhsdjkh

This day has gone from awesome to horrible.

I want to do something to release myself of this anger and betrayal, but I don't know what to do without being stupid and/or waking up my entire family. Maybe I'll write. That always makes me feel better.

Drama drama drama

The players:
Kaela (one of my best friends)
Kella
Ephriam


Kaela is friends with both Kella and Ephriam. She has a crush on Kella, and she finds out that Kella likes her too. All three of them are hanging out one evening, and Kaela has to leave. The next day, she finds out that Kella and Ephriam have hooked up. She feels betrayed. Ephriam apologized, yet Kella is still talking shit about Kaela.

This makes me mad, because both of them were my friends. I'm not mad at Ephriam anymore, at least he bothered to apolagize, but I'm about to punch Kella in the face. She's saying some horrible stuff about Kaela, and I'm not cool with it. Good God, I don't know what to do.


P.S. I saw Stepbrothers tonight with Mallory. Soso good! XD

If my love life wasn't so boring

I wouldn't end up writing 5+ page long sex scenes in my free time. :| It's not like I even want to have sex anytime soon, much less have a boyfriend.

I'm not ready for a relationship. It makes me sad to think that, because I'm 15, you'd think I would be. I'm scared. I don't want to get rejected, I don't want my heart broken. I'm waiting for that special person. I wonder if he'll ever come.

That's what I get, reading romance novels and watching sappy movies. I blame Nicholas Sparks, who writes pretty damn good romances for a straight guy. It's all his fault.

That's it. Blame him for my shitty/nonexistant love life, that's even more pathetic than writing sex scenes at midnight. Would it be easier to blame myself? If I only knew. What did I do to be the last one of my friends to do anything? Hell, Melody is even thinking of having sex with Ryan. I don't plan on having sex, but that's wayy farther than I've ever gone. I haven't been kissed, nor have I been on a date. Dammit, no guy has even LIKED me as more than a friend, except possibly Jesse, who ended up being a total jerkface anyway.

But maybe, just maybe, God has other plans in store for me. Maybe he expects my first kiss, my first love, to be the one, or something sappy like that. Maybe, when my time comes, it will be even more special than what my friends have. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe it's just a test.

So in short, life is the way it's supposed to be. If I try to change that, I'll be messing with fate, destiny, or whatever you want to call it. And who wants to do that?

Gahh I really need to stop reading romances.

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say

I'm sitting here watching St. Elmo's Fire, which is one of my favorite movies.
It makes me think of how much I love my friends. It's a total "Homesick at Space camp" type movie.

These friends are, new friends are golden

TDK on IMAX was pretty rad, I loved it the second time just as much as the first. Such an awesome movie. Then my family went to Chili's for dinner because it's Ben's birthday. Mom and I went walking around the mall after, which was kind of nice, because we don't get to hang out very often without biting each other's heads of.

I told Kaela how I'd never been kissed a few weeks ago, and even though I love her and trust her, it still makes me nervous. It's not something I tell a lot of people. She and I have been good friends for about a year, and I hadn't told her until then. She's cool with it and she promised not to tell anyone, and I know she won't. It's just she's so gorgeous and beautiful and all the guys love her, and I'm completely the opposite. I wonder why she chooses to be my friend sometimes, I'm not worthy, but I'm glad she does.

Back home.

It's 10 o' clock and I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.
I'm going to go see The Dark Knight for the second time tomorrow with my brothers, except this time at IMAX. Thirteen bucks a ticket? Crazy.

The new song from The Academy Is... is amazing. I love those boys. :)

If you knew, what you do
When no one's in the dark room
But me and you
A brilliant disguise

It's the taste of the chase
I do confess, it's the mess
That feels so right

[Chorus]:
Come on a Monday
Come on a Tuesday
They'll never know
Pop off a cork for Wednesday
Play with me Thursday
But you'll always be his girl

Come on a Monday
Come on a Tuesday
They'll never know
Pop off a cork for Wednesday
Stay with me Thursday
But you'll always be his girl
His girl Friday, His girl Friday, His girl Friday
His girl Friday, His girl Friday, His girl Friday

Just a kiss, he won't miss
I know your gonna miss this
As long as you live
When you were mine

Bite your lip, pull me in
It's not the sin, it's the mess
That feels so right

[Chorus]

If you knew, what I knew
You'd think that it's Friday
As I look, all of you

[Chorus]

Today was so much fun.

I love this girlie.

Mall with Olivia. We spent like an entire hour looking for Kevin, who was being a dumbass and hiding from us. And then we got pissed off at this dude who stole our horse (lmao). We also tried on dresses and menswear haha.

Then we went to my house and the park and made fun of people golfing and called Live Links and listened to all these guys' "personal profiles" and laughed so hard.

Then we went to the people who I house sit for's house to turn on the sprinkler system and we ended up being creepy and looking through their house. We broke their banister (though we think it was already broken) and we stole their gum haha. We also found condoms and lube in the master bedroom, which was so awkward haha.

Why so serious?

Okay, my review of The Dark Knight:
Absolutely EPIC. I loved it so much. It is one of the most intense films released in a long time, considering all we've gotten is crap such as You Don't Mess With The Zohan and Space Chimps. I had very high expectations, but this movie exceeded it by far. Heath Ledger was fantastic as the Joker -- not even Johnny Depp could play that role as well as he did. Two-face was in it as well.

Wyoming next week, so I won't be able to blog much. Have you noticed I've been blogging like every day? The product of a slow social life, though it's getting better. I guess I've realized that I just like talking, and I blog whenever I have something to talk about. Even if it's not a rant like I usually do. I like it better this way.

I watched Enchanted tonight for the first time. I absolutely adore it.

I'm going to the mall with Olivia tomorrow, and then Monday lunch with Talia and Sammy. Then we leave for Wyoming on Tuesday! I can't wait.

I got my check-in materials today.

Can't write a long blog today.
I'm sososososo excited for next year. It's going to be way epic.

PSATs fail, btw.



P.S. The Dark Knight tonight! :)

By the way...

I'm getting a new blog before school starts. I figure it's time to go out with the old and in with the new.

I'm switching back to livejournal, even though I like blogspot. For some reason, I just like the LJ layout better. School doesn't start until the 25th of August and I'll probably create my new blog around the 18th or so, so I can cover the Fast Times At Barrington High release and check-in for school. So around then I'll post a blog with a link to the new blog.

I can't wait to be a sophomore.

Let me just say this, dear ones.

I'm not here to whine about my issues. In fact, I know I have it better than a lot of people and I'm extremely grateful for that.

I'm a 15 year old girl who attends a suburban high school.

I'm growing up.
I may not get any taller or my boobs any bigger, but mentally, there is always more growing up I need to do.

I have family issues.
I have boy issues.
I have issues with myself.

I'm trying to sort this all out by means of writing in a blog, and it's a bit difficult. But I'm keeping at it. There's PMS, the desire to be like the girls in the magazines. Drama drama drama of all types. I try my best to stray away from that, but even in a school with almost 4,000 students, somebody is bound to get bored with suburbia and start some drama.

So, don't think I'm a whiney emo kid. Trust me, I'm the opposite. I'm fighting for a positive experience, not a negative one.

My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! It's Lot 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.

Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.

I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,
when every single move that I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?

Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.

Will you be the first one to tell the neighborhood paper
and all my family and friends that still care?
Did you buy what I sold and did you feel what I told you?
I hope that you still do. Will you promise yourself, that this isn't all we've got?

Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
[x2]

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene

I want a boy who...

Is good with kids
Will let me sing and dance in the car
Who will throw rocks at my window at night
Will let me rant and rave about books
Will flatter my friends
Will discuss politics with me
Will pick up their phone at any ungodly hour of the night
Has sexy hands
Will dance and flirt with old ladies
Will watch musicals with me
Will take me on an adventure
Knows what he wants out of life and is willing to work to get it
Has an outrageous sense of humor
Will be my best friend
Can be both mature and immature at the same time
Who is a gentleman
Doesn't just want to get in my pants
Will leave me be when I'm quiet
Will wait for me to come to him when I have a problem
Gets along with my dad
Will sing to me, even if he sucks
Would rather have a night at a carnival than a romantic dinner
Will let me gossip and rant when I'm angry and won't interject until I'm done
Won't stop me from being friends with other guys, but also gets slightly protective and jealous (but not too much)
Will be completely honest with me and tell me when something doesn't look good
Will bake me a cake
Will kick anyone's ass who hurt me
Will listen to me when I talk too much
Respects my choices
Will tell me when he thinks a girl is hot
Will wait to tell me he loves me until he truly means it
Will text me to say goodnight

But on top of all that, I want a boy who isn't TOO perfect. Who makes mistakes. Who is a human. Who has differences that we can celebrate.

I'm too hard to please. Maybe that's why I have never been kissed/had a boyfriend before.

And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

Unhappy is an understatement.
My dog has to be put to sleep. The cancer has spread from his shoulder to his back. We're too late.

There's wine on my breath and I don't feel very good.
I'm not drunk, I'm just giving up hope. Which scares me.
Scares me a great deal.
I'm praying for a miracle, but miracles don't usually happen to me.

Karma's a bitch, really? What did I do to deserve all this?

First my grandpa died.
Then my mom lost her job.
Now my dog has to be put to sleep.
All within a few months.

Sure, I've ditched some classes in the last year. Gotten a couple bad grades, but I've worked hard and I ended the school year with a solid 3.0 GPA. Some of my friends are satanists and atheists. I'm a bit of a rebel but I feel I'm a good person, deep inside. I'm just a teenager, does the karma police expect me to be a saint?

I wish something good would happen to me. I started 2008 feeling optimistic, feeling like something epic and grand was going to happen that would change my life.

Sure, my life has been changed, changed a great deal. But not in the way I wish it was. Completely the opposite.

I miss Spring Chavurah. It was the first time after my grandpa died that I remember genuinely feeling happy. And Warped Tour, meeting The Academy Is... made my life. That's the last time I remember feeing genuinely happy. I may have been happy since then, but it's nothing to real happiness.

The happiness that I had last year. The happiness that I felt before the night of January 31st, 2008.

I hate to be such an emo bitch.

I don't want to lose hope. Because once I lose hope, nothing good will ever happen to me. I'll fall back into my depression and be like I was three years ago. I don't want to go back to that. Ever. But I feel like the more time passes, the worse things get.

But I resolve to keep fighting. Keep praying. Keep dreaming. Keep hoping.
Because maybe something good will come out of this, as unlikely as it seems.
Maybe this is just a test. God is obviously trying to test my emotional strength.
I can't give in. I just can't.