Unhappy is an understatement.
My dog has to be put to sleep. The cancer has spread from his shoulder to his back. We're too late.
There's wine on my breath and I don't feel very good.
I'm not drunk, I'm just giving up hope. Which scares me.
Scares me a great deal.
I'm praying for a miracle, but miracles don't usually happen to me.
Karma's a bitch, really? What did I do to deserve all this?
First my grandpa died.
Then my mom lost her job.
Now my dog has to be put to sleep.
All within a few months.
Sure, I've ditched some classes in the last year. Gotten a couple bad grades, but I've worked hard and I ended the school year with a solid 3.0 GPA. Some of my friends are satanists and atheists. I'm a bit of a rebel but I feel I'm a good person, deep inside. I'm just a teenager, does the karma police expect me to be a saint?
I wish something good would happen to me. I started 2008 feeling optimistic, feeling like something epic and grand was going to happen that would change my life.
Sure, my life has been changed, changed a great deal. But not in the way I wish it was. Completely the opposite.
I miss Spring Chavurah. It was the first time after my grandpa died that I remember genuinely feeling happy. And Warped Tour, meeting The Academy Is... made my life. That's the last time I remember feeing genuinely happy. I may have been happy since then, but it's nothing to real happiness.
The happiness that I had last year. The happiness that I felt before the night of January 31st, 2008.
I hate to be such an emo bitch.
I don't want to lose hope. Because once I lose hope, nothing good will ever happen to me. I'll fall back into my depression and be like I was three years ago. I don't want to go back to that. Ever. But I feel like the more time passes, the worse things get.
But I resolve to keep fighting. Keep praying. Keep dreaming. Keep hoping.
Because maybe something good will come out of this, as unlikely as it seems.
Maybe this is just a test. God is obviously trying to test my emotional strength.
I can't give in. I just can't.
