Monday, August 18, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Finality.
It's done. This will be my last blog post before I post the link to the new blog. I'm creating it tonight . You know, I'm actually kind of sad that I'm getting a new blog. I'm not quitting, but I'm just starting over. I've had a lot of memories made with this blog. Tonight, I'm going to post excerpts from some memorable entries on this blog.
March 31st
"The worst part was watching the two air force officers folding the flag that was over his casket and giving it to my grandma. That was probably the hardest thing for me to watch, ever. At first, I didn't understand what they were doing. But when the officer knelt down in front of my grandma and handing the flag to her, in a moment of utter silence...it was absolutely unbearable. I had seen that being done in movies, at the funerals of the young and brave killed at war. I had never actually experienced that. My grandpa was not young or killed at war, but it was brave. He served in the United States Air Force during the Korean War."
April 22
"Dear Jesse,
I miss who you were at the beginning of this semester. When I mattered. When I was your friend, instead of a piece of meat. Just another chick to flirt with, to lie to, to walk all over."
May 22
""Life is the way it should be."
I've recently come to that mindset, and I think that if I stick with it, I'll be much happier."
June 9
"We don't talk much anymore, but I still hold the utmost respect for him. He showed me how strong I really can be. And now I realize I can't have a boy dragging me down. If a boy wants to be with me and I want to be with him, so be it. But I can't hold myself down with unrequited crushes. I was weak and naive for three long years. And now I am free from the burden of hurt and infatuation.
And it feels fucking great."
July 17
"I'm growing up.
I may not get any taller or my boobs any bigger, but mentally, there is always more growing up I need to do."
August 10
"I've always wondered when my time to play that song will come. My biggest goal in life is to be somebody. To be special. To be more than a name, or a face in the crowd."
This is not the end. This is not goodbye. This is hello, and welcome to a new year.
Thanks, little blog, for being there for me.
March 31st
"The worst part was watching the two air force officers folding the flag that was over his casket and giving it to my grandma. That was probably the hardest thing for me to watch, ever. At first, I didn't understand what they were doing. But when the officer knelt down in front of my grandma and handing the flag to her, in a moment of utter silence...it was absolutely unbearable. I had seen that being done in movies, at the funerals of the young and brave killed at war. I had never actually experienced that. My grandpa was not young or killed at war, but it was brave. He served in the United States Air Force during the Korean War."
April 22
"Dear Jesse,
I miss who you were at the beginning of this semester. When I mattered. When I was your friend, instead of a piece of meat. Just another chick to flirt with, to lie to, to walk all over."
May 22
""Life is the way it should be."
I've recently come to that mindset, and I think that if I stick with it, I'll be much happier."
June 9
"We don't talk much anymore, but I still hold the utmost respect for him. He showed me how strong I really can be. And now I realize I can't have a boy dragging me down. If a boy wants to be with me and I want to be with him, so be it. But I can't hold myself down with unrequited crushes. I was weak and naive for three long years. And now I am free from the burden of hurt and infatuation.
And it feels fucking great."
July 17
"I'm growing up.
I may not get any taller or my boobs any bigger, but mentally, there is always more growing up I need to do."
August 10
"I've always wondered when my time to play that song will come. My biggest goal in life is to be somebody. To be special. To be more than a name, or a face in the crowd."
This is not the end. This is not goodbye. This is hello, and welcome to a new year.
Thanks, little blog, for being there for me.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Indesicion.
I know what I want out of life, long term.
But what do I want out of life, short term?
Shouldn't I be itching for something more than what I have?
Maybe it's just usual summer buzz. No boys, no school work, therefore no pressure.
But in all honesty, do I even want anything more out of life? Of course, there are certain things I wouldn't mind having. But I could do without. You know what I mean? I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend, but I could do without at the moment. I'm sure in a week and a half, once school starts things will be different.
I wish they wouldn't be.
P.S. this boy inspires me daily
But what do I want out of life, short term?
Shouldn't I be itching for something more than what I have?
Maybe it's just usual summer buzz. No boys, no school work, therefore no pressure.
But in all honesty, do I even want anything more out of life? Of course, there are certain things I wouldn't mind having. But I could do without. You know what I mean? I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend, but I could do without at the moment. I'm sure in a week and a half, once school starts things will be different.
I wish they wouldn't be.
P.S. this boy inspires me daily
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
<3
I can't believe summer is almost over. Where did it go? This was an amazing summer. Here are some of my favorite memories:
- My party. A ton of my friends together just chilling and hanging at the park. We ran through the sprinklers and got all wet, and rolled down the hill. We also tried sliding down the hill in a sleeping bag.
- Warped Tour! Meeting The Academy Is... was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I still get all giggly when I think about it. And almost dying in the pit, oh my goodness, I was so happy even though I was scared shitless.
- Walking by myself at night on the 4th of July, listening to Jack's Mannequin.
- That one day I spent with Olivia. We went to the mall and chilled out, then we went to the park and called a dating hotline, and then we went to these people's house that I was house-sitting at the time and looked through all of their stuff and broke the banister. So much fun.
- The entire Wyoming trip. Julie and I flirting with those ugly guys and playing tip-cup with the hot baseball team next door. Rafting was so much fun too.
- The Breaking Dawn release. Meeting all those cute Harry Potter boys at the party was amazing. It still makes me smile. And staying up for almost two days reading it. Being awake to see the sunrise. Amazing.
- The other night, when I was alone laying in my backyard looking at the sky and waiting for meteors. I was listening to Jack's Mannequin, texting friends and feeling so infinite. Then that freaky meteor thing streaked across the sky, so big I saw flames. That was amazing.
Hopefully, there are more memories to come.
In a few days, I'm getting a new blog on livejournal. I'll miss this blog but like I said, it's time to go out with the old and in with the new. I think I've decided on a title, it might change but for now this is what it's going to be:
You gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
From the song Mixtape by Butch Walker. That song gives me the chills. It's beautiful.
I'm going to miss summer so fucking much.
- My party. A ton of my friends together just chilling and hanging at the park. We ran through the sprinklers and got all wet, and rolled down the hill. We also tried sliding down the hill in a sleeping bag.
- Warped Tour! Meeting The Academy Is... was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I still get all giggly when I think about it. And almost dying in the pit, oh my goodness, I was so happy even though I was scared shitless.
- Walking by myself at night on the 4th of July, listening to Jack's Mannequin.
- That one day I spent with Olivia. We went to the mall and chilled out, then we went to the park and called a dating hotline, and then we went to these people's house that I was house-sitting at the time and looked through all of their stuff and broke the banister. So much fun.
- The entire Wyoming trip. Julie and I flirting with those ugly guys and playing tip-cup with the hot baseball team next door. Rafting was so much fun too.
- The Breaking Dawn release. Meeting all those cute Harry Potter boys at the party was amazing. It still makes me smile. And staying up for almost two days reading it. Being awake to see the sunrise. Amazing.
- The other night, when I was alone laying in my backyard looking at the sky and waiting for meteors. I was listening to Jack's Mannequin, texting friends and feeling so infinite. Then that freaky meteor thing streaked across the sky, so big I saw flames. That was amazing.
Hopefully, there are more memories to come.
In a few days, I'm getting a new blog on livejournal. I'll miss this blog but like I said, it's time to go out with the old and in with the new. I think I've decided on a title, it might change but for now this is what it's going to be:
You gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
From the song Mixtape by Butch Walker. That song gives me the chills. It's beautiful.
I'm going to miss summer so fucking much.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Lying outside under a meteor shower.
Dark Blue, by Jack's Mannequin
I have, I have you
breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck
I don't, don't know
what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait, I'll wait for the
ambulance to come, ambulance to come
Pick us up off the floor
what did you possibly expect under this condition
So slow down,
this nights a perfect shade of
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning
'til there's nothing but dark blue
Just dark blue-huee
And this flood, this flood is slowly rising up,
swallowing the ground beneath, my feet.
Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim, I'll swim as the water rises up sun is sinking down and now
All I can see are the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I
Slow down this nights a perfect shade of
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue
We were boxing,
we were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing)
you were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the west coast
And took the power lines, the power lines
And it was me and you (lights over my) and the whole town underwater
There was nothing we could do
And it was dark blue
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know, you'll know
I have, I have you
breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck
I don't, don't know
what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait, I'll wait for the
ambulance to come, ambulance to come
Pick us up off the floor
what did you possibly expect under this condition
So slow down,
this nights a perfect shade of
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning
'til there's nothing but dark blue
Just dark blue-huee
And this flood, this flood is slowly rising up,
swallowing the ground beneath, my feet.
Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim, I'll swim as the water rises up sun is sinking down and now
All I can see are the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I
Slow down this nights a perfect shade of
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue
We were boxing,
we were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing)
you were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the west coast
And took the power lines, the power lines
And it was me and you (lights over my) and the whole town underwater
There was nothing we could do
And it was dark blue
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know, you'll know
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Go USA!
I was watching the men's 400 yrd relay and for a while, USA was lagging behind. Then we caught up, but we were still behind France. About 4 of the 8 teams were just killing the world record like none ever. France and the US were so close together you'd have to look very close to see who was ahead. At the very end, I was sure France would get the gold. But no, I couldn't believe my eyes when they both touched and it said that the US got FIRST. WE WON BY .08 OF A SECOND. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT. FACEBOOK STATUSES ARE EXPLODING, IT'S ALREADY ON THE NEWS. THIS ONLY HAPPENED ABOUT 20 MINUTES AGO! I was jumping up and down, eyes wide, screaming, yelling, pulling out my hair. It was crazy.
But I think the part that touched me the most about tonight was after all the replays, the award ceremony, and the commentator's thoughts, they showed a montage of the US team's faces when they won. The music was Time of My Life by David Cook.
Whenever I hear that song, I always come close to tears. Those boys on that team are so special. They'll remember that moment for the rest of their lives. It's their time for fame. I'm so proud to say they're from my country.
I've always wondered when my time to play that song will come. My biggest goal in life is to be somebody. To be special. To be more than a name, or a face in the crowd.
I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn
And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart
and I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
Arms open wide
Face to the sun
I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
This is the time
This is the time of my life.
This is the time of my life.
But I think the part that touched me the most about tonight was after all the replays, the award ceremony, and the commentator's thoughts, they showed a montage of the US team's faces when they won. The music was Time of My Life by David Cook.
Whenever I hear that song, I always come close to tears. Those boys on that team are so special. They'll remember that moment for the rest of their lives. It's their time for fame. I'm so proud to say they're from my country.
I've always wondered when my time to play that song will come. My biggest goal in life is to be somebody. To be special. To be more than a name, or a face in the crowd.
I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn
And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart
and I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
Arms open wide
Face to the sun
I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
This is the time
This is the time of my life.
This is the time of my life.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
"You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get."
Quote by Michael Phelps, Olympic Gold medalist.
So yeah, today was a very good day. I went shopping with my mommy and I got my hair cut. PacSun is having this epic sale on jeans (2 for $55!) and I swear by PacSun jeans, so of course I was there. Haha. I bought two pairs, in denim: a pair of venice skinny jeans and a pair of laguna bootcut jeans. I love them. I also bought the most adorable bag EVER for school.
I also cut 10 inches off my hair. It's so short and bouncy now -- I love it! It reflects my bubbly, boyish personality but isn't so short I look like a man.
Good day. :)
16 days left of summer.
So yeah, today was a very good day. I went shopping with my mommy and I got my hair cut. PacSun is having this epic sale on jeans (2 for $55!) and I swear by PacSun jeans, so of course I was there. Haha. I bought two pairs, in denim: a pair of venice skinny jeans and a pair of laguna bootcut jeans. I love them. I also bought the most adorable bag EVER for school.
I also cut 10 inches off my hair. It's so short and bouncy now -- I love it! It reflects my bubbly, boyish personality but isn't so short I look like a man.
Good day. :)
16 days left of summer.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
But I'm gonna take you to my boxcar on the beach.
Tonight has been a good day. A very good day.
My dad and I had a bit of an argument this morning, but we got it sorted out after a few tears. I really love my dad. Then, he decided to make it up to me by taking me to the grocery store and buying sugar and chocolate chip cookies and strawberry ice cream. We also bought little $1 Ben & Jerry's tubs that were delicious. We sat in the car, not saying anything, just eating, outside of the grocery store once we were done. Then we went home and used the cookies and ice cream to make ice cream sandwiches, which were a success and very delicious.
Then Talia came over and we sat in my room, looking through my yearbook and pointing out the people we love and the people we hate. Then we discovered that Ringo in the Beatles poster above my bed looked like Josh, which was both creepy and funny haha. Then we realized it was raining, so we ran downstairs and outside and were dancing in it. It was so much fun. I love her. She is such a sweetheart and always puts you in a good mood. She's so sweet and pure, but not to the point where she's prude. Whenever I hang out with her, I always leave feeling like a good person.
Afterwards, we were talking on facebook with Josh, who is pretty much amazing. I miss him, it's been too long.
About 5 minutes ago, I made amends with Kella. I know, right? Crazy. But she's really an awesome girl, even though she makes some mistakes. I'm way jealous of her and I know I shouldn't be.
Now I'm having a conversation with Jess about crappy romance novels and the sex scenes they contain. Haha.
I love my life.
My dad and I had a bit of an argument this morning, but we got it sorted out after a few tears. I really love my dad. Then, he decided to make it up to me by taking me to the grocery store and buying sugar and chocolate chip cookies and strawberry ice cream. We also bought little $1 Ben & Jerry's tubs that were delicious. We sat in the car, not saying anything, just eating, outside of the grocery store once we were done. Then we went home and used the cookies and ice cream to make ice cream sandwiches, which were a success and very delicious.
Then Talia came over and we sat in my room, looking through my yearbook and pointing out the people we love and the people we hate. Then we discovered that Ringo in the Beatles poster above my bed looked like Josh, which was both creepy and funny haha. Then we realized it was raining, so we ran downstairs and outside and were dancing in it. It was so much fun. I love her. She is such a sweetheart and always puts you in a good mood. She's so sweet and pure, but not to the point where she's prude. Whenever I hang out with her, I always leave feeling like a good person.
Afterwards, we were talking on facebook with Josh, who is pretty much amazing. I miss him, it's been too long.
About 5 minutes ago, I made amends with Kella. I know, right? Crazy. But she's really an awesome girl, even though she makes some mistakes. I'm way jealous of her and I know I shouldn't be.
Now I'm having a conversation with Jess about crappy romance novels and the sex scenes they contain. Haha.
I love my life.
Monday, August 4, 2008
"I wonder what pirates were like. I mean were they friendly, were they like Johnny Depp, or you know..."
I was being an idiot yesterday. I need to shut the hell up and move on. Sit up straight and do something other than put myself down.
By the way, the new blog is coming very soon. I need opinions on the title for the new blog. Note the trend in ATL lyrics, haha.
Email your opinions to me at rocketsteady@comcast.net, thanks.
1. I said before you ask which way to go
remember where you've been.
2. Give up and let go
I'm just a girl with a dream
3. I know, I know, I know
That there's a place for me somewhere out there
By the way, the new blog is coming very soon. I need opinions on the title for the new blog. Note the trend in ATL lyrics, haha.
Email your opinions to me at rocketsteady@comcast.net, thanks.
1. I said before you ask which way to go
remember where you've been.
2. Give up and let go
I'm just a girl with a dream
3. I know, I know, I know
That there's a place for me somewhere out there
Sunday, August 3, 2008
So I'm getting all emo again.
Bleh. My self confidence is at an all time low. Again. I need to stop doing this to myself. I need to stop caring about what boys think. I need to stop getting my hopes up and fantasizing because I know the more I do that, the less likely it will happen.
I'm starting to get numb again. I need to stop doing this.
safdhsjkhfsd
I need someone to make me smile.
I'm starting to get numb again. I need to stop doing this.
safdhsjkhfsd
I need someone to make me smile.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
My dog was put to sleep today.
RIP Ted :(
I've been in a shitty mood all day.
I haven't slept in 30-some hours and there's a possibility that I'm running a fever. I'm so tired.
I haven't eaten anything all day, except for a granola bar that I forced myself to eat, because I'm not going to starve myself. My appetite has just disappeared lately.
I'm sitting here staring at his food cupboard, still in shock. I was a mess this morning, before my parents took him to the vet, now it's like nothing fazes me. What's done is done. I feel like such an ass thinking that. I should be bawling like my mom has been doing. I'm just...numb, I guess? No, that's not it. I can feel myself exhausted and depressed, but I'm walking around like a zombie. Not really showing much emotion.
There are so many things I could say but I don't know how to say them.
I'm pretty disappointed in Breaking Dawn. I thought it would be so much better than it was. It wasn't bad, just a great disappointment for someone who spent so much time getting ready for the book release, making predictions and such.
Renaissance Fair tomorrow with Lia. I hope I'm in a better mood.
I've been in a shitty mood all day.
I haven't slept in 30-some hours and there's a possibility that I'm running a fever. I'm so tired.
I haven't eaten anything all day, except for a granola bar that I forced myself to eat, because I'm not going to starve myself. My appetite has just disappeared lately.
I'm sitting here staring at his food cupboard, still in shock. I was a mess this morning, before my parents took him to the vet, now it's like nothing fazes me. What's done is done. I feel like such an ass thinking that. I should be bawling like my mom has been doing. I'm just...numb, I guess? No, that's not it. I can feel myself exhausted and depressed, but I'm walking around like a zombie. Not really showing much emotion.
There are so many things I could say but I don't know how to say them.
I'm pretty disappointed in Breaking Dawn. I thought it would be so much better than it was. It wasn't bad, just a great disappointment for someone who spent so much time getting ready for the book release, making predictions and such.
Renaissance Fair tomorrow with Lia. I hope I'm in a better mood.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Early morning poetry
When the morning light fights through the cracks
cascading across the bed, and you are mine.
When your parents start to wake for work,
between the sheets, I’ll keep a watchful eye.
Right here, the best days of our lives.
Is this coincidence or a sign?
- After The Last Midtown Show, by The Academy Is...
I wrote this at about 1 AM this morning when I was freaking out about my dog getting put to sleep tomorrow. I've come to realize that I'm a shitty poet. I wish I could write as well as William Beckett, whose words I have sampled above.
Out there
Out in the cold, dark world
There is someone to lie with me,
To hold my hand,
And to tell me it's okay.
Someone who will return the blood to my cheeks
And pump it through my veins.
Warm my tired body
And make my day complete.
I do not know where he lives
Or how he spends his time
All I know in my heart is
That he will always be mine.
I don't like the final line, I'm having difficulties figuring what to put though. I'm working on it.
cascading across the bed, and you are mine.
When your parents start to wake for work,
between the sheets, I’ll keep a watchful eye.
Right here, the best days of our lives.
Is this coincidence or a sign?
- After The Last Midtown Show, by The Academy Is...
I wrote this at about 1 AM this morning when I was freaking out about my dog getting put to sleep tomorrow. I've come to realize that I'm a shitty poet. I wish I could write as well as William Beckett, whose words I have sampled above.
Out there
Out in the cold, dark world
There is someone to lie with me,
To hold my hand,
And to tell me it's okay.
Someone who will return the blood to my cheeks
And pump it through my veins.
Warm my tired body
And make my day complete.
I do not know where he lives
Or how he spends his time
All I know in my heart is
That he will always be mine.
I don't like the final line, I'm having difficulties figuring what to put though. I'm working on it.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
KELLA IS A PIECE OF SHIT.
I confronted her, and it ended up badly.
I kind of wish I didn't talk to her about it, but I'm also glad I did.
I don't feel on typing the whole story out, I'm so pissed.
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
dsfhdsjkfhsdjkh
This day has gone from awesome to horrible.
I want to do something to release myself of this anger and betrayal, but I don't know what to do without being stupid and/or waking up my entire family. Maybe I'll write. That always makes me feel better.
I kind of wish I didn't talk to her about it, but I'm also glad I did.
I don't feel on typing the whole story out, I'm so pissed.
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
dsfhdsjkfhsdjkh
This day has gone from awesome to horrible.
I want to do something to release myself of this anger and betrayal, but I don't know what to do without being stupid and/or waking up my entire family. Maybe I'll write. That always makes me feel better.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Drama drama drama
The players:
Kaela (one of my best friends)
Kella
Ephriam
Kaela is friends with both Kella and Ephriam. She has a crush on Kella, and she finds out that Kella likes her too. All three of them are hanging out one evening, and Kaela has to leave. The next day, she finds out that Kella and Ephriam have hooked up. She feels betrayed. Ephriam apologized, yet Kella is still talking shit about Kaela.
This makes me mad, because both of them were my friends. I'm not mad at Ephriam anymore, at least he bothered to apolagize, but I'm about to punch Kella in the face. She's saying some horrible stuff about Kaela, and I'm not cool with it. Good God, I don't know what to do.
P.S. I saw Stepbrothers tonight with Mallory. Soso good! XD
Kaela (one of my best friends)
Kella
Ephriam
Kaela is friends with both Kella and Ephriam. She has a crush on Kella, and she finds out that Kella likes her too. All three of them are hanging out one evening, and Kaela has to leave. The next day, she finds out that Kella and Ephriam have hooked up. She feels betrayed. Ephriam apologized, yet Kella is still talking shit about Kaela.
This makes me mad, because both of them were my friends. I'm not mad at Ephriam anymore, at least he bothered to apolagize, but I'm about to punch Kella in the face. She's saying some horrible stuff about Kaela, and I'm not cool with it. Good God, I don't know what to do.
P.S. I saw Stepbrothers tonight with Mallory. Soso good! XD
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
If my love life wasn't so boring
I wouldn't end up writing 5+ page long sex scenes in my free time. :| It's not like I even want to have sex anytime soon, much less have a boyfriend.
I'm not ready for a relationship. It makes me sad to think that, because I'm 15, you'd think I would be. I'm scared. I don't want to get rejected, I don't want my heart broken. I'm waiting for that special person. I wonder if he'll ever come.
That's what I get, reading romance novels and watching sappy movies. I blame Nicholas Sparks, who writes pretty damn good romances for a straight guy. It's all his fault.
That's it. Blame him for my shitty/nonexistant love life, that's even more pathetic than writing sex scenes at midnight. Would it be easier to blame myself? If I only knew. What did I do to be the last one of my friends to do anything? Hell, Melody is even thinking of having sex with Ryan. I don't plan on having sex, but that's wayy farther than I've ever gone. I haven't been kissed, nor have I been on a date. Dammit, no guy has even LIKED me as more than a friend, except possibly Jesse, who ended up being a total jerkface anyway.
But maybe, just maybe, God has other plans in store for me. Maybe he expects my first kiss, my first love, to be the one, or something sappy like that. Maybe, when my time comes, it will be even more special than what my friends have. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe it's just a test.
So in short, life is the way it's supposed to be. If I try to change that, I'll be messing with fate, destiny, or whatever you want to call it. And who wants to do that?
Gahh I really need to stop reading romances.
I'm not ready for a relationship. It makes me sad to think that, because I'm 15, you'd think I would be. I'm scared. I don't want to get rejected, I don't want my heart broken. I'm waiting for that special person. I wonder if he'll ever come.
That's what I get, reading romance novels and watching sappy movies. I blame Nicholas Sparks, who writes pretty damn good romances for a straight guy. It's all his fault.
That's it. Blame him for my shitty/nonexistant love life, that's even more pathetic than writing sex scenes at midnight. Would it be easier to blame myself? If I only knew. What did I do to be the last one of my friends to do anything? Hell, Melody is even thinking of having sex with Ryan. I don't plan on having sex, but that's wayy farther than I've ever gone. I haven't been kissed, nor have I been on a date. Dammit, no guy has even LIKED me as more than a friend, except possibly Jesse, who ended up being a total jerkface anyway.
But maybe, just maybe, God has other plans in store for me. Maybe he expects my first kiss, my first love, to be the one, or something sappy like that. Maybe, when my time comes, it will be even more special than what my friends have. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe it's just a test.
So in short, life is the way it's supposed to be. If I try to change that, I'll be messing with fate, destiny, or whatever you want to call it. And who wants to do that?
Gahh I really need to stop reading romances.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say
I'm sitting here watching St. Elmo's Fire, which is one of my favorite movies.
It makes me think of how much I love my friends. It's a total "Homesick at Space camp" type movie.
These friends are, new friends are golden
TDK on IMAX was pretty rad, I loved it the second time just as much as the first. Such an awesome movie. Then my family went to Chili's for dinner because it's Ben's birthday. Mom and I went walking around the mall after, which was kind of nice, because we don't get to hang out very often without biting each other's heads of.
I told Kaela how I'd never been kissed a few weeks ago, and even though I love her and trust her, it still makes me nervous. It's not something I tell a lot of people. She and I have been good friends for about a year, and I hadn't told her until then. She's cool with it and she promised not to tell anyone, and I know she won't. It's just she's so gorgeous and beautiful and all the guys love her, and I'm completely the opposite. I wonder why she chooses to be my friend sometimes, I'm not worthy, but I'm glad she does.
It makes me think of how much I love my friends. It's a total "Homesick at Space camp" type movie.
These friends are, new friends are golden
TDK on IMAX was pretty rad, I loved it the second time just as much as the first. Such an awesome movie. Then my family went to Chili's for dinner because it's Ben's birthday. Mom and I went walking around the mall after, which was kind of nice, because we don't get to hang out very often without biting each other's heads of.
I told Kaela how I'd never been kissed a few weeks ago, and even though I love her and trust her, it still makes me nervous. It's not something I tell a lot of people. She and I have been good friends for about a year, and I hadn't told her until then. She's cool with it and she promised not to tell anyone, and I know she won't. It's just she's so gorgeous and beautiful and all the guys love her, and I'm completely the opposite. I wonder why she chooses to be my friend sometimes, I'm not worthy, but I'm glad she does.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Back home.
It's 10 o' clock and I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.
I'm going to go see The Dark Knight for the second time tomorrow with my brothers, except this time at IMAX. Thirteen bucks a ticket? Crazy.
The new song from The Academy Is... is amazing. I love those boys. :)
If you knew, what you do
When no one's in the dark room
But me and you
A brilliant disguise
It's the taste of the chase
I do confess, it's the mess
That feels so right
[Chorus]:
Come on a Monday
Come on a Tuesday
They'll never know
Pop off a cork for Wednesday
Play with me Thursday
But you'll always be his girl
Come on a Monday
Come on a Tuesday
They'll never know
Pop off a cork for Wednesday
Stay with me Thursday
But you'll always be his girl
His girl Friday, His girl Friday, His girl Friday
His girl Friday, His girl Friday, His girl Friday
Just a kiss, he won't miss
I know your gonna miss this
As long as you live
When you were mine
Bite your lip, pull me in
It's not the sin, it's the mess
That feels so right
[Chorus]
If you knew, what I knew
You'd think that it's Friday
As I look, all of you
[Chorus]
I'm going to go see The Dark Knight for the second time tomorrow with my brothers, except this time at IMAX. Thirteen bucks a ticket? Crazy.
The new song from The Academy Is... is amazing. I love those boys. :)
If you knew, what you do
When no one's in the dark room
But me and you
A brilliant disguise
It's the taste of the chase
I do confess, it's the mess
That feels so right
[Chorus]:
Come on a Monday
Come on a Tuesday
They'll never know
Pop off a cork for Wednesday
Play with me Thursday
But you'll always be his girl
Come on a Monday
Come on a Tuesday
They'll never know
Pop off a cork for Wednesday
Stay with me Thursday
But you'll always be his girl
His girl Friday, His girl Friday, His girl Friday
His girl Friday, His girl Friday, His girl Friday
Just a kiss, he won't miss
I know your gonna miss this
As long as you live
When you were mine
Bite your lip, pull me in
It's not the sin, it's the mess
That feels so right
[Chorus]
If you knew, what I knew
You'd think that it's Friday
As I look, all of you
[Chorus]
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Today was so much fun.
I love this girlie.
Mall with Olivia. We spent like an entire hour looking for Kevin, who was being a dumbass and hiding from us. And then we got pissed off at this dude who stole our horse (lmao). We also tried on dresses and menswear haha.
Then we went to my house and the park and made fun of people golfing and called Live Links and listened to all these guys' "personal profiles" and laughed so hard.
Then we went to the people who I house sit for's house to turn on the sprinkler system and we ended up being creepy and looking through their house. We broke their banister (though we think it was already broken) and we stole their gum haha. We also found condoms and lube in the master bedroom, which was so awkward haha.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Why so serious?
Okay, my review of The Dark Knight:
Absolutely EPIC. I loved it so much. It is one of the most intense films released in a long time, considering all we've gotten is crap such as You Don't Mess With The Zohan and Space Chimps. I had very high expectations, but this movie exceeded it by far. Heath Ledger was fantastic as the Joker -- not even Johnny Depp could play that role as well as he did. Two-face was in it as well.
Wyoming next week, so I won't be able to blog much. Have you noticed I've been blogging like every day? The product of a slow social life, though it's getting better. I guess I've realized that I just like talking, and I blog whenever I have something to talk about. Even if it's not a rant like I usually do. I like it better this way.
I watched Enchanted tonight for the first time. I absolutely adore it.
I'm going to the mall with Olivia tomorrow, and then Monday lunch with Talia and Sammy. Then we leave for Wyoming on Tuesday! I can't wait.
Absolutely EPIC. I loved it so much. It is one of the most intense films released in a long time, considering all we've gotten is crap such as You Don't Mess With The Zohan and Space Chimps. I had very high expectations, but this movie exceeded it by far. Heath Ledger was fantastic as the Joker -- not even Johnny Depp could play that role as well as he did. Two-face was in it as well.
Wyoming next week, so I won't be able to blog much. Have you noticed I've been blogging like every day? The product of a slow social life, though it's getting better. I guess I've realized that I just like talking, and I blog whenever I have something to talk about. Even if it's not a rant like I usually do. I like it better this way.
I watched Enchanted tonight for the first time. I absolutely adore it.
I'm going to the mall with Olivia tomorrow, and then Monday lunch with Talia and Sammy. Then we leave for Wyoming on Tuesday! I can't wait.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I got my check-in materials today.
Can't write a long blog today.
I'm sososososo excited for next year. It's going to be way epic.
PSATs fail, btw.
P.S. The Dark Knight tonight! :)
I'm sososososo excited for next year. It's going to be way epic.
PSATs fail, btw.
P.S. The Dark Knight tonight! :)
Thursday, July 17, 2008
By the way...
I'm getting a new blog before school starts. I figure it's time to go out with the old and in with the new.
I'm switching back to livejournal, even though I like blogspot. For some reason, I just like the LJ layout better. School doesn't start until the 25th of August and I'll probably create my new blog around the 18th or so, so I can cover the Fast Times At Barrington High release and check-in for school. So around then I'll post a blog with a link to the new blog.
I can't wait to be a sophomore.
I'm switching back to livejournal, even though I like blogspot. For some reason, I just like the LJ layout better. School doesn't start until the 25th of August and I'll probably create my new blog around the 18th or so, so I can cover the Fast Times At Barrington High release and check-in for school. So around then I'll post a blog with a link to the new blog.
I can't wait to be a sophomore.
Let me just say this, dear ones.
I'm not here to whine about my issues. In fact, I know I have it better than a lot of people and I'm extremely grateful for that.
I'm a 15 year old girl who attends a suburban high school.
I'm growing up.
I may not get any taller or my boobs any bigger, but mentally, there is always more growing up I need to do.
I have family issues.
I have boy issues.
I have issues with myself.
I'm trying to sort this all out by means of writing in a blog, and it's a bit difficult. But I'm keeping at it. There's PMS, the desire to be like the girls in the magazines. Drama drama drama of all types. I try my best to stray away from that, but even in a school with almost 4,000 students, somebody is bound to get bored with suburbia and start some drama.
So, don't think I'm a whiney emo kid. Trust me, I'm the opposite. I'm fighting for a positive experience, not a negative one.
My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! It's Lot 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,
when every single move that I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Will you be the first one to tell the neighborhood paper
and all my family and friends that still care?
Did you buy what I sold and did you feel what I told you?
I hope that you still do. Will you promise yourself, that this isn't all we've got?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
[x2]
I'm a 15 year old girl who attends a suburban high school.
I'm growing up.
I may not get any taller or my boobs any bigger, but mentally, there is always more growing up I need to do.
I have family issues.
I have boy issues.
I have issues with myself.
I'm trying to sort this all out by means of writing in a blog, and it's a bit difficult. But I'm keeping at it. There's PMS, the desire to be like the girls in the magazines. Drama drama drama of all types. I try my best to stray away from that, but even in a school with almost 4,000 students, somebody is bound to get bored with suburbia and start some drama.
So, don't think I'm a whiney emo kid. Trust me, I'm the opposite. I'm fighting for a positive experience, not a negative one.
My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! It's Lot 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,
when every single move that I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Will you be the first one to tell the neighborhood paper
and all my family and friends that still care?
Did you buy what I sold and did you feel what I told you?
I hope that you still do. Will you promise yourself, that this isn't all we've got?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
[x2]
Sunday, July 13, 2008
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene
I want a boy who...
Is good with kids
Will let me sing and dance in the car
Who will throw rocks at my window at night
Will let me rant and rave about books
Will flatter my friends
Will discuss politics with me
Will pick up their phone at any ungodly hour of the night
Has sexy hands
Will dance and flirt with old ladies
Will watch musicals with me
Will take me on an adventure
Knows what he wants out of life and is willing to work to get it
Has an outrageous sense of humor
Will be my best friend
Can be both mature and immature at the same time
Who is a gentleman
Doesn't just want to get in my pants
Will leave me be when I'm quiet
Will wait for me to come to him when I have a problem
Gets along with my dad
Will sing to me, even if he sucks
Would rather have a night at a carnival than a romantic dinner
Will let me gossip and rant when I'm angry and won't interject until I'm done
Won't stop me from being friends with other guys, but also gets slightly protective and jealous (but not too much)
Will be completely honest with me and tell me when something doesn't look good
Will bake me a cake
Will kick anyone's ass who hurt me
Will listen to me when I talk too much
Respects my choices
Will tell me when he thinks a girl is hot
Will wait to tell me he loves me until he truly means it
Will text me to say goodnight
But on top of all that, I want a boy who isn't TOO perfect. Who makes mistakes. Who is a human. Who has differences that we can celebrate.
I'm too hard to please. Maybe that's why I have never been kissed/had a boyfriend before.
Is good with kids
Will let me sing and dance in the car
Who will throw rocks at my window at night
Will let me rant and rave about books
Will flatter my friends
Will discuss politics with me
Will pick up their phone at any ungodly hour of the night
Has sexy hands
Will dance and flirt with old ladies
Will watch musicals with me
Will take me on an adventure
Knows what he wants out of life and is willing to work to get it
Has an outrageous sense of humor
Will be my best friend
Can be both mature and immature at the same time
Who is a gentleman
Doesn't just want to get in my pants
Will leave me be when I'm quiet
Will wait for me to come to him when I have a problem
Gets along with my dad
Will sing to me, even if he sucks
Would rather have a night at a carnival than a romantic dinner
Will let me gossip and rant when I'm angry and won't interject until I'm done
Won't stop me from being friends with other guys, but also gets slightly protective and jealous (but not too much)
Will be completely honest with me and tell me when something doesn't look good
Will bake me a cake
Will kick anyone's ass who hurt me
Will listen to me when I talk too much
Respects my choices
Will tell me when he thinks a girl is hot
Will wait to tell me he loves me until he truly means it
Will text me to say goodnight
But on top of all that, I want a boy who isn't TOO perfect. Who makes mistakes. Who is a human. Who has differences that we can celebrate.
I'm too hard to please. Maybe that's why I have never been kissed/had a boyfriend before.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
Unhappy is an understatement.
My dog has to be put to sleep. The cancer has spread from his shoulder to his back. We're too late.
There's wine on my breath and I don't feel very good.
I'm not drunk, I'm just giving up hope. Which scares me.
Scares me a great deal.
I'm praying for a miracle, but miracles don't usually happen to me.
Karma's a bitch, really? What did I do to deserve all this?
First my grandpa died.
Then my mom lost her job.
Now my dog has to be put to sleep.
All within a few months.
Sure, I've ditched some classes in the last year. Gotten a couple bad grades, but I've worked hard and I ended the school year with a solid 3.0 GPA. Some of my friends are satanists and atheists. I'm a bit of a rebel but I feel I'm a good person, deep inside. I'm just a teenager, does the karma police expect me to be a saint?
I wish something good would happen to me. I started 2008 feeling optimistic, feeling like something epic and grand was going to happen that would change my life.
Sure, my life has been changed, changed a great deal. But not in the way I wish it was. Completely the opposite.
I miss Spring Chavurah. It was the first time after my grandpa died that I remember genuinely feeling happy. And Warped Tour, meeting The Academy Is... made my life. That's the last time I remember feeing genuinely happy. I may have been happy since then, but it's nothing to real happiness.
The happiness that I had last year. The happiness that I felt before the night of January 31st, 2008.
I hate to be such an emo bitch.
I don't want to lose hope. Because once I lose hope, nothing good will ever happen to me. I'll fall back into my depression and be like I was three years ago. I don't want to go back to that. Ever. But I feel like the more time passes, the worse things get.
But I resolve to keep fighting. Keep praying. Keep dreaming. Keep hoping.
Because maybe something good will come out of this, as unlikely as it seems.
Maybe this is just a test. God is obviously trying to test my emotional strength.
I can't give in. I just can't.
My dog has to be put to sleep. The cancer has spread from his shoulder to his back. We're too late.
There's wine on my breath and I don't feel very good.
I'm not drunk, I'm just giving up hope. Which scares me.
Scares me a great deal.
I'm praying for a miracle, but miracles don't usually happen to me.
Karma's a bitch, really? What did I do to deserve all this?
First my grandpa died.
Then my mom lost her job.
Now my dog has to be put to sleep.
All within a few months.
Sure, I've ditched some classes in the last year. Gotten a couple bad grades, but I've worked hard and I ended the school year with a solid 3.0 GPA. Some of my friends are satanists and atheists. I'm a bit of a rebel but I feel I'm a good person, deep inside. I'm just a teenager, does the karma police expect me to be a saint?
I wish something good would happen to me. I started 2008 feeling optimistic, feeling like something epic and grand was going to happen that would change my life.
Sure, my life has been changed, changed a great deal. But not in the way I wish it was. Completely the opposite.
I miss Spring Chavurah. It was the first time after my grandpa died that I remember genuinely feeling happy. And Warped Tour, meeting The Academy Is... made my life. That's the last time I remember feeing genuinely happy. I may have been happy since then, but it's nothing to real happiness.
The happiness that I had last year. The happiness that I felt before the night of January 31st, 2008.
I hate to be such an emo bitch.
I don't want to lose hope. Because once I lose hope, nothing good will ever happen to me. I'll fall back into my depression and be like I was three years ago. I don't want to go back to that. Ever. But I feel like the more time passes, the worse things get.
But I resolve to keep fighting. Keep praying. Keep dreaming. Keep hoping.
Because maybe something good will come out of this, as unlikely as it seems.
Maybe this is just a test. God is obviously trying to test my emotional strength.
I can't give in. I just can't.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Misinterpretation.
So, after talking to Kevin last night I realized something.
He's just a friend.
All this time, I thought I had a crush on him. Only because I wanted to get closer to him, and he always pushed me away. I misinterpreted that as a crush, when really, now that I think about it with a clear head, I just wanted a better, stronger friendship. And now it looks like there is a possibility.
He has a girlfriend, and she's really nice. Kevin has made her very happy. And I'm very happy for them both.
He's just a friend.
All this time, I thought I had a crush on him. Only because I wanted to get closer to him, and he always pushed me away. I misinterpreted that as a crush, when really, now that I think about it with a clear head, I just wanted a better, stronger friendship. And now it looks like there is a possibility.
He has a girlfriend, and she's really nice. Kevin has made her very happy. And I'm very happy for them both.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I'm not creative enough to think of a title.
So I was walking my dog tonight at about 9 PM. It was kind of dark, and cool. I could see the beautiful moon, but it was kind of shaped oddly because of the phase we're currently in. I was singing to myself softly in the darkness -- I'm a horrible singer, but for some reason singing to myself calms me down, especially if it's a beautiful and meaningful song. I was barely whispering, trying not to disturb any of the peace.
But I don't deserve any of the beautiful, peaceful night.
Millions of miles away, people are dead or dying. In Africa, in Asia, in the Middle East. Even in our own country, people are suffering and don't get to enjoy what we take for granted. The US soldiers sacrifice so much for us, yet they hardly get rewarded. Their nights aren't peaceful, not if they're in combat. And I'd like to do something about that. But I don't know what.
I'd like to participate in Operation Pen Pal, and do something to reward the people who put themselves in harms way for us. I'm thinking about making mix CDs or something. DVDs and soap and things would help a lot too I know, but I want to make something. But I'm not sure quite what. Maybe you have an idea?
Operation Pen-Pal
But I don't deserve any of the beautiful, peaceful night.
Millions of miles away, people are dead or dying. In Africa, in Asia, in the Middle East. Even in our own country, people are suffering and don't get to enjoy what we take for granted. The US soldiers sacrifice so much for us, yet they hardly get rewarded. Their nights aren't peaceful, not if they're in combat. And I'd like to do something about that. But I don't know what.
I'd like to participate in Operation Pen Pal, and do something to reward the people who put themselves in harms way for us. I'm thinking about making mix CDs or something. DVDs and soap and things would help a lot too I know, but I want to make something. But I'm not sure quite what. Maybe you have an idea?
Operation Pen-Pal
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
This is crazy.
I'm never good enough.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish I was interesting.
I wish I was talented.
I wish I didn't make so many mistakes.
I wish I drew people in.
I wish I wasn't such an idiot.
I wish I wasn't me.
I wish there would be someone out there who thinks I'm amazing, who thinks I'm brilliant or interesting. Who doesn't think me awkward or ugly. Who actually remembers who I am.
Dude, total low self esteem moment.
I have too many of those, especially lately.
So much for being strong and independent.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish I was interesting.
I wish I was talented.
I wish I didn't make so many mistakes.
I wish I drew people in.
I wish I wasn't such an idiot.
I wish I wasn't me.
I wish there would be someone out there who thinks I'm amazing, who thinks I'm brilliant or interesting. Who doesn't think me awkward or ugly. Who actually remembers who I am.
Dude, total low self esteem moment.
I have too many of those, especially lately.
So much for being strong and independent.
Monday, June 9, 2008
The boy who broke my heart.
7th grade.
There was a boy.
A cute boy.
A sweet boy.
A talented boy.
I consider him my first real crush, even though I liked a boy in 6th grade. For some reason, the boy in 6th grade didn't make me go head over heels in like like this boy did.
8th grade.
I stopped talking to this boy. We didn't have any classes together. But I still liked him so much. And I knew it was wrong but I just did. I couldn't stop thinking about him, going all out to get him to notice me.
9th grade.
I still liked him. I asked him to homecoming, but he never gave me an answer. Then, a few months later I heard that a girl I knew asked him to Snowball and he said yes. And then they apparently made out afterwards.
This is what broke my heart.
I liked this girl, and I ended up becoming closer friends with her. But I cried so hard, not because he went to Snowball with that one girl, but because I knew that he was the only boy that I had ever had such strong feelings for, and he could never like me back.
I know now how naive I was, how I considered the fact that I was in love but now I know it was merely the pain of an intense, unrequited crush. By the end of my freshman year, I was completely over him. I realized how silly it was, and how we'd never make it anyway. I don't dislike this boy, I respect him a lot more than I did when I still liked him I think. Back then, I was hanging onto his every word, every glance. But now that my head is clear and I've moved on, I've realized that he taught me a lot. A lot about crushes and boys. And he broke my heart, which I now don't regret even happening. It forced me to move on, even though I had tried multiple times in the past, this hurt drove me and inspired me.
We don't talk much anymore, but I still hold the utmost respect for him. He showed me how strong I really can be. And now I realize I can't have a boy dragging me down. If a boy wants to be with me and I want to be with him, so be it. But I can't hold myself down with unrequited crushes. I was weak and naive for three long years. And now I am free from the burden of hurt and infatuation.
And it feels fucking great.
There was a boy.
A cute boy.
A sweet boy.
A talented boy.
I consider him my first real crush, even though I liked a boy in 6th grade. For some reason, the boy in 6th grade didn't make me go head over heels in like like this boy did.
8th grade.
I stopped talking to this boy. We didn't have any classes together. But I still liked him so much. And I knew it was wrong but I just did. I couldn't stop thinking about him, going all out to get him to notice me.
9th grade.
I still liked him. I asked him to homecoming, but he never gave me an answer. Then, a few months later I heard that a girl I knew asked him to Snowball and he said yes. And then they apparently made out afterwards.
This is what broke my heart.
I liked this girl, and I ended up becoming closer friends with her. But I cried so hard, not because he went to Snowball with that one girl, but because I knew that he was the only boy that I had ever had such strong feelings for, and he could never like me back.
I know now how naive I was, how I considered the fact that I was in love but now I know it was merely the pain of an intense, unrequited crush. By the end of my freshman year, I was completely over him. I realized how silly it was, and how we'd never make it anyway. I don't dislike this boy, I respect him a lot more than I did when I still liked him I think. Back then, I was hanging onto his every word, every glance. But now that my head is clear and I've moved on, I've realized that he taught me a lot. A lot about crushes and boys. And he broke my heart, which I now don't regret even happening. It forced me to move on, even though I had tried multiple times in the past, this hurt drove me and inspired me.
We don't talk much anymore, but I still hold the utmost respect for him. He showed me how strong I really can be. And now I realize I can't have a boy dragging me down. If a boy wants to be with me and I want to be with him, so be it. But I can't hold myself down with unrequited crushes. I was weak and naive for three long years. And now I am free from the burden of hurt and infatuation.
And it feels fucking great.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
My new motto.
"Life is the way it should be."
I've recently come to that mindset, and I think that if I stick with it, I'll be much happier.
I haven't ever been kissed or had a boyfriend, and I'm 15 years old. Normally I'd say that it's pathetic, but now I won't. You don't get anywhere worrying about it. And worrying about it does not fix the situation. I've decided I'm going to wait until it comes, because I know that since I've waited so long for it, once it does come it's going to be amazing. I'm not going to force something to get it over with so I can say that it happened.
I want my first kiss to be cute, spontaneous and will make my heart flip like never before.
I'm on a swim team. I love to swim. But I'm not at all good at it. I've never been athletically coordinated in any way. I think that I was supposed to be this way at this point in my life. It's a challenge, a test, and I'm supposed to overcome it.
When I do overcome it, it will be the best feeling in the world. I'll feel content and happy with myself.
Quick, shorter blog today. Summer will be here soon.
I've recently come to that mindset, and I think that if I stick with it, I'll be much happier.
I haven't ever been kissed or had a boyfriend, and I'm 15 years old. Normally I'd say that it's pathetic, but now I won't. You don't get anywhere worrying about it. And worrying about it does not fix the situation. I've decided I'm going to wait until it comes, because I know that since I've waited so long for it, once it does come it's going to be amazing. I'm not going to force something to get it over with so I can say that it happened.
I want my first kiss to be cute, spontaneous and will make my heart flip like never before.
I'm on a swim team. I love to swim. But I'm not at all good at it. I've never been athletically coordinated in any way. I think that I was supposed to be this way at this point in my life. It's a challenge, a test, and I'm supposed to overcome it.
When I do overcome it, it will be the best feeling in the world. I'll feel content and happy with myself.
Quick, shorter blog today. Summer will be here soon.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Jealousy.
Moriah is one of my best friends. We have had so many memories and I love her so much. But this year, she's been hanging with a different crowd. That's fine with me. I'm in fact also friends with a lot of the kids she hangs out with and they're awesome. I'm happy she found such a nice group of friends. But I guess my issue is that I'm jealous. Jealous of many things.
Jealous because she found her intimate group of friends and I still don't know where mine is.
Jealous because it seems like she has everything going for her.
Jealous because even though she loved and lost, she still loved while I'm still in the shadows.
Jealous because she likes them better than me.
Jealous that she can confront them about more things than she can with me.
I'm a terrible "best friend." I know she still likes me and still is friends with me, I'm just still so fucking jealous of her other friends. It's horrible. I'm the worst excuse for a friend ever. I'm selfish and I'm greedy. But I love Moriah. She's a sweetheart and she always makes my day. I just wish I had that close knit group of friends like she does, instead of having friends all over, though there's nothing wrong with that.
This year, she came out. She's a bisexual. She was dating one of my other friends and I never knew, because she never told me. I'm fine with homosexuality, but I was so upset that she told everyone but me. When I found out from her girlfriend/my other friend, I confronted her about it. And I just cried and cried. And she just looked at the ground. I know she still cares about me, and I know we're still good friends. But I'm just so fucking jealous of her. And I feel absolutely miserable.
Dear reader...I hope you do not think me selfish or constantly jealous. I don't think I am. I'm just jealous and full of emotion...full of anger. Anger at myself.
I hope things work out.
Jealous because she found her intimate group of friends and I still don't know where mine is.
Jealous because it seems like she has everything going for her.
Jealous because even though she loved and lost, she still loved while I'm still in the shadows.
Jealous because she likes them better than me.
Jealous that she can confront them about more things than she can with me.
I'm a terrible "best friend." I know she still likes me and still is friends with me, I'm just still so fucking jealous of her other friends. It's horrible. I'm the worst excuse for a friend ever. I'm selfish and I'm greedy. But I love Moriah. She's a sweetheart and she always makes my day. I just wish I had that close knit group of friends like she does, instead of having friends all over, though there's nothing wrong with that.
This year, she came out. She's a bisexual. She was dating one of my other friends and I never knew, because she never told me. I'm fine with homosexuality, but I was so upset that she told everyone but me. When I found out from her girlfriend/my other friend, I confronted her about it. And I just cried and cried. And she just looked at the ground. I know she still cares about me, and I know we're still good friends. But I'm just so fucking jealous of her. And I feel absolutely miserable.
Dear reader...I hope you do not think me selfish or constantly jealous. I don't think I am. I'm just jealous and full of emotion...full of anger. Anger at myself.
I hope things work out.
Friday, May 9, 2008
A very good friend of mine told me something special today.
We were talking about how she does horseback riding in shows.
And how I love to swim, but I've never been athletically talented.
And she says to me: "When you love something, it doesnt really matter if you're good at it or not."
I'm sure you've heard that before, one way or another.
But it still brought the tears to my eyes.
I love what I do.
I love to write, I love to make music, I love to swim. I'm probably not very good at any of these things, but I love it. And that's all that matters.
Some people are filthy rich, but they aren't happy. Because they got rich doing something they didn't love. And I'd rather be poor and doing something that I have a passion for. Because that's what life is all about. There is no time to waste.
"Do what you love, and fuck the rest." - Little Miss Sunshine
I haven't had time for a long entry in a while. I'm sorry. I just need more time to think.
And how I love to swim, but I've never been athletically talented.
And she says to me: "When you love something, it doesnt really matter if you're good at it or not."
I'm sure you've heard that before, one way or another.
But it still brought the tears to my eyes.
I love what I do.
I love to write, I love to make music, I love to swim. I'm probably not very good at any of these things, but I love it. And that's all that matters.
Some people are filthy rich, but they aren't happy. Because they got rich doing something they didn't love. And I'd rather be poor and doing something that I have a passion for. Because that's what life is all about. There is no time to waste.
"Do what you love, and fuck the rest." - Little Miss Sunshine
I haven't had time for a long entry in a while. I'm sorry. I just need more time to think.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I wrote this for Writing Club last Tuesday. The prompt was: Imagine you go back in time, killing a butterfly in the process. How would the future be different?
I place my hand on the time machine and squeeze my eyes shut. The machine vibrates violently; it scares me. I'm about to pull my hand off the metallic monster when it abruptly stops.
I force my eyes open and quickly scan my surroundings. I've successfully taken myself back to the prehistoric era. Or should I say, the end of it. The Earth has been freshly tattooed with hurried footprints and every hundred yards or so lay a huge, rotting carcass of some unknown creature. The peaks in the distance ooze with molten lava that blends with the color of the fiery sky.
It's very eerie; I take a step back. Something crunches under my feet. I look down and see a butterfly. I can't believe that I killed it! Horrified, I step back once more and run into my time machine, accidentally flipping the switch. I can feel myself being transported back to the future. Quickly, so I'm not left behind, I grab the handle and hold on for dear life. Next thing I know, the spinning has stopped. I had unconsciously closed my eyes again, and I now opened them with relief.
OH MY GOODNESS! This couldn't be the year 2008. But the number on my time machine proves that it indeed is. Like the prehistoric era, it was barren on all vegetation. There was no grass or trees, and no birds chirped from above. No ants journeyed through the damp, brown earth. There was not even a fly. No buildings could be seen, because there were no people. Just endless, dark dirt meeting an endless, pale sky at all corners of the Earth.
I wrote that in less than half an hour, and I didn't edit anything except for a few spelling errors as I was typing it in. It's not that excruciatingly good I don't think, but I liked the prompt and it's the first thing I've written in a long time that I was particularly proud of. So I felt like sharing it with you.
I place my hand on the time machine and squeeze my eyes shut. The machine vibrates violently; it scares me. I'm about to pull my hand off the metallic monster when it abruptly stops.
I force my eyes open and quickly scan my surroundings. I've successfully taken myself back to the prehistoric era. Or should I say, the end of it. The Earth has been freshly tattooed with hurried footprints and every hundred yards or so lay a huge, rotting carcass of some unknown creature. The peaks in the distance ooze with molten lava that blends with the color of the fiery sky.
It's very eerie; I take a step back. Something crunches under my feet. I look down and see a butterfly. I can't believe that I killed it! Horrified, I step back once more and run into my time machine, accidentally flipping the switch. I can feel myself being transported back to the future. Quickly, so I'm not left behind, I grab the handle and hold on for dear life. Next thing I know, the spinning has stopped. I had unconsciously closed my eyes again, and I now opened them with relief.
OH MY GOODNESS! This couldn't be the year 2008. But the number on my time machine proves that it indeed is. Like the prehistoric era, it was barren on all vegetation. There was no grass or trees, and no birds chirped from above. No ants journeyed through the damp, brown earth. There was not even a fly. No buildings could be seen, because there were no people. Just endless, dark dirt meeting an endless, pale sky at all corners of the Earth.
I wrote that in less than half an hour, and I didn't edit anything except for a few spelling errors as I was typing it in. It's not that excruciatingly good I don't think, but I liked the prompt and it's the first thing I've written in a long time that I was particularly proud of. So I felt like sharing it with you.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Numbers.
4 months since he went into the hospital.
47 days since he died.
40 days since the funeral.
I'm still barely living through every day.
I miss my grandpa.
He didn't deserve to go that way.
47 days since he died.
40 days since the funeral.
I'm still barely living through every day.
I miss my grandpa.
He didn't deserve to go that way.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Amazing, isn't it?
These bones were found in Italy near the city of Mantua, where Romeo was exiled in William Shakespeare's famous play, Romeo and Juliet.
Link to article
It's beautiful. Though these two skeletons couldn't possibly be the fictional Romeo and Juliet, their bones will rest in peace, together for eternity, embraced in each others arms.
A love like that is so rare.
And though we do not know the exact relationship of these skeletons and perhaps never will, I strongly believe that this is proof of the existence of love.
I wish I knew their story.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Letter to Jesse.
Dear Jesse,
I'm sorry. But you're still an ignorant asshole. You fucking lied and you deserve to get suspended for more than two days this time. And I thought we had a good thing going. But you wouldn't listen to me, and you didn't care enough.
I miss who you were at the beginning of this semester. When I mattered. When I was your friend, instead of a piece of meat. Just another chick to flirt with, to lie to, to walk all over.
Sorry for freaking out.
Sorry for caring.
Sorry for wanting to be a good friend to you.
Sorry for wanting to apologize.
But truth is, I don't know why I am sorry.
Because I didn't do anything wrong.
You were a good friend when you were. Or was that just an act as well? I miss staying up late, texting you, and having deep discussions with you. Especially the last one we had.
I don't know if I ever got to thank you for those hugs you gave me when my grandpa died. And calling me that afternoon to make sure I was doing okay. I appreciated that a lot. Because I wasn't doing okay, I'm STILL not doing okay, on the 5 week anniversary of his death.
Now I don't even know what to do. Everything is falling apart. I want to call you, but I don't know if I should.
I want to go back to how life was three years ago.
Love,
Sarah
I'm sorry. But you're still an ignorant asshole. You fucking lied and you deserve to get suspended for more than two days this time. And I thought we had a good thing going. But you wouldn't listen to me, and you didn't care enough.
I miss who you were at the beginning of this semester. When I mattered. When I was your friend, instead of a piece of meat. Just another chick to flirt with, to lie to, to walk all over.
Sorry for freaking out.
Sorry for caring.
Sorry for wanting to be a good friend to you.
Sorry for wanting to apologize.
But truth is, I don't know why I am sorry.
Because I didn't do anything wrong.
You were a good friend when you were. Or was that just an act as well? I miss staying up late, texting you, and having deep discussions with you. Especially the last one we had.
I don't know if I ever got to thank you for those hugs you gave me when my grandpa died. And calling me that afternoon to make sure I was doing okay. I appreciated that a lot. Because I wasn't doing okay, I'm STILL not doing okay, on the 5 week anniversary of his death.
Now I don't even know what to do. Everything is falling apart. I want to call you, but I don't know if I should.
I want to go back to how life was three years ago.
Love,
Sarah
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Confidence.
People sometimes accuse me of being full of myself because I have what they want:
Confidence.
Not over-confidence, but I know how to put on a smile and hide it when I have low self-esteem.
Since when has that been a crime?
I don't like to be vulnerable. I don't like to be sad. And I sure as hell don't like to be taken advantage of. If I show my vulnerability to the world, I'm just asking for it.
Why frown when you know how to smile?
Don't be jealous.
Go get your own confidence instead of wasting your time trying to take a toll on mine.
Look around...there are plenty of things to be happy about.
Confidence.
Not over-confidence, but I know how to put on a smile and hide it when I have low self-esteem.
Since when has that been a crime?
I don't like to be vulnerable. I don't like to be sad. And I sure as hell don't like to be taken advantage of. If I show my vulnerability to the world, I'm just asking for it.
Why frown when you know how to smile?
Don't be jealous.
Go get your own confidence instead of wasting your time trying to take a toll on mine.
Look around...there are plenty of things to be happy about.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Death is a funny thing.
The Surcease of Sorrow
By Kelly L. DelaneyDo not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the sparkle in the snow.
I am the shredded leaves that blow.
I am the sunlight on growing grain.
I am the gentle summer rain.
I am the quiet bird at night.
Circling about; Taking flight.
So do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
"Time had taken it's toll. She had no place to go."
So, tonight I found out that a girl I used to talk to a lot has died.
Her name was Amy. She was a sweet girl, with beautiful bright red hair. Until one day she dyed her hair black. She started smoking. She started cutting. She started conforming...she became the stereotype she wanted to be. I tried to talk her out of it, I didn't like what she was becoming.
About an hour ago, I find out that on March 31st she hung herself. Her brother found her, and they put her on life support.
Just maybe 10 minutes ago, I found out that she has died.
I'm not upset or anything. I'm just kind of shocked. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and I doubt she'd remember me. But I knew her, and I befriended her, so it just feels kind of weird. Like this is all a joke. But it's not.
Her name was Amy. She was a sweet girl, with beautiful bright red hair. Until one day she dyed her hair black. She started smoking. She started cutting. She started conforming...she became the stereotype she wanted to be. I tried to talk her out of it, I didn't like what she was becoming.
About an hour ago, I find out that on March 31st she hung herself. Her brother found her, and they put her on life support.
Just maybe 10 minutes ago, I found out that she has died.
I'm not upset or anything. I'm just kind of shocked. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and I doubt she'd remember me. But I knew her, and I befriended her, so it just feels kind of weird. Like this is all a joke. But it's not.
Monday, March 31, 2008
My grandfather.
My grandfather died, two weeks ago tomorrow, at 8:45 AM.
He was sick for a long time, and we knew it would happen. I knew the second I saw my parents what had happened. But it was still hard, it still is. I didn't bawl nonstop for days, I still cry a little every other day, occasionally more than once a day.
The funeral was hard, it was all I could do to not jump up and run out of the room during the service. But the small service at the cemetery was the worst part.
The worst part was watching the two air force officers folding the flag that was over his casket and giving it to my grandma. That was probably the hardest thing for me to watch, ever. At first, I didn't understand what they were doing. But when the officer knelt down in front of my grandma and handing the flag to her, in a moment of utter silence...it was absolutely unbearable. I had seen that being done in movies, at the funerals of the young and brave killed at war. I had never actually experienced that. My grandpa was not young or killed at war, but it was brave. He served in the United States Air Force during the Korean War.
It also hurt having to leave, because the service was at a memorial thing in the cemetery and I never got to see him buried. As I was leaving, the hearse drove away and my grandpa's casket getting put into an ugly white truck-like thing to take him to the grave site. That hurt so much, he deserved better than to be taken to his grave in an ugly white truck that didn't even look like anything but some white metal sheets on wheels.
My grandpa was a strong hearted man, a bit strict and stubborn at times, a man with a sense of humor and a knack for making friends. He was dedicated to everything he did. He had such a strong will to live, he held on for as long as he could. My mother said he held on for one of his sisters, who was driving to town from Nebraska. His other sister was with him when he died, my mom says that he had mistaken her for his sister from Nebraska and decided to finally let go. He died on a Tuesday, and I saw him the Sunday before. The last words I ever said to him was, "I'll see you later, Grandpa." The next time I saw him he was in a casket.
People say that there is a lot of him that lives on in me. And I'm clinging to that like it's a piece of driftwood keeping me from drowning.
I will always remember is the sound of his laugh. The way the sky looked, all big and blue, the day he died. Even though the weathermen had predicted snow and had been for weeks, spring suddenly came the day that my grandpa left this world. And I firmly believe that he was the one who made the sky like that.
Rest in peace, Grandpa. I love you.
In sweet ecstasy while the ages roll
Will you meet in Heaven someday?
He was sick for a long time, and we knew it would happen. I knew the second I saw my parents what had happened. But it was still hard, it still is. I didn't bawl nonstop for days, I still cry a little every other day, occasionally more than once a day.
The funeral was hard, it was all I could do to not jump up and run out of the room during the service. But the small service at the cemetery was the worst part.
The worst part was watching the two air force officers folding the flag that was over his casket and giving it to my grandma. That was probably the hardest thing for me to watch, ever. At first, I didn't understand what they were doing. But when the officer knelt down in front of my grandma and handing the flag to her, in a moment of utter silence...it was absolutely unbearable. I had seen that being done in movies, at the funerals of the young and brave killed at war. I had never actually experienced that. My grandpa was not young or killed at war, but it was brave. He served in the United States Air Force during the Korean War.
It also hurt having to leave, because the service was at a memorial thing in the cemetery and I never got to see him buried. As I was leaving, the hearse drove away and my grandpa's casket getting put into an ugly white truck-like thing to take him to the grave site. That hurt so much, he deserved better than to be taken to his grave in an ugly white truck that didn't even look like anything but some white metal sheets on wheels.
My grandpa was a strong hearted man, a bit strict and stubborn at times, a man with a sense of humor and a knack for making friends. He was dedicated to everything he did. He had such a strong will to live, he held on for as long as he could. My mother said he held on for one of his sisters, who was driving to town from Nebraska. His other sister was with him when he died, my mom says that he had mistaken her for his sister from Nebraska and decided to finally let go. He died on a Tuesday, and I saw him the Sunday before. The last words I ever said to him was, "I'll see you later, Grandpa." The next time I saw him he was in a casket.
People say that there is a lot of him that lives on in me. And I'm clinging to that like it's a piece of driftwood keeping me from drowning.
I will always remember is the sound of his laugh. The way the sky looked, all big and blue, the day he died. Even though the weathermen had predicted snow and had been for weeks, spring suddenly came the day that my grandpa left this world. And I firmly believe that he was the one who made the sky like that.
Rest in peace, Grandpa. I love you.
In sweet ecstasy while the ages roll
Will you meet in Heaven someday?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
11:11 PM thoughts
I used to have a blog on blogspot before, but I lost the URL. It had been a while since I wrote an entry. But I decided tonight that it was time that I do. Because I miss those nights were I'd stay up late just to type something nobody would ever see. It's something personal, for me, just to reflect on. And maybe someday someone will come across it. Maybe that person will be effected by what I write, maybe not. Maybe someone won't think I'm totally crazy. But you know what, if they do, that's okay. I know my feelings for some things are real. I may be a naive 15 year old sometimes, but I'm not a total imbecile. My mind works in many ways.
One of the main purposes for this blog is for me to express my thoughts. That's what I do a lot -- I think. I think about life, love, peace, everything. I'm scatterbrained. And I'm not the type of person to write a poetic blog that takes hours to decipher. This blog will be straightforward and easy to read. It's my thoughts. I'm not writing to impress anybody, because I don't think my writing is interesting enough to keep a person captivated enough to read it. But I am a writer, or so I tell myself, so I'm not going to write random, pointless things. Life is short, the universe is vast. It's meant to be thought about. It's meant to be questioned. It's meant to be believed.
At the moment, I'm sitting at my laptop in my living room, the album From Under The Cork Tree by Fall Out Boy playing from my iTunes. I have just had some friends leave because it's getting late. The family is asleep, so I have time to think. Right now, I'm thinking about the prime years of my life. I don't know when they will happen. I don't know if I'm living them now. Life lately has sucked quite a bit, but you know, maybe it makes me a better person. Maybe I can benefit from the death of my grandfather or the loss of a friend, as terrible as it sounds. I don't want to look back on this part of my life as an idiot teenager, sulking and suffering and being emo. Life can be tough, and there will always be obstacles until the day I die. The way I react to things shows the type of person I am. I've already been told I'm mature beyond my years, but I'm sure I can mature more. Just because I'm just a kid it doesn't mean I can't take matters into my own hands. Nobody has control over my life but me and G-d. Now, don't think me a total anarchist. I do follow the directions of adults when I know that they are right and they are trying to steer me to the right place, because after all, they have been there before while I'm still learning. But if I know what they're doing is wrong, then of course I'm going to take a stand. Because that's what people true to themselves do.
And that's what I want to be more than anything.
One of the main purposes for this blog is for me to express my thoughts. That's what I do a lot -- I think. I think about life, love, peace, everything. I'm scatterbrained. And I'm not the type of person to write a poetic blog that takes hours to decipher. This blog will be straightforward and easy to read. It's my thoughts. I'm not writing to impress anybody, because I don't think my writing is interesting enough to keep a person captivated enough to read it. But I am a writer, or so I tell myself, so I'm not going to write random, pointless things. Life is short, the universe is vast. It's meant to be thought about. It's meant to be questioned. It's meant to be believed.
At the moment, I'm sitting at my laptop in my living room, the album From Under The Cork Tree by Fall Out Boy playing from my iTunes. I have just had some friends leave because it's getting late. The family is asleep, so I have time to think. Right now, I'm thinking about the prime years of my life. I don't know when they will happen. I don't know if I'm living them now. Life lately has sucked quite a bit, but you know, maybe it makes me a better person. Maybe I can benefit from the death of my grandfather or the loss of a friend, as terrible as it sounds. I don't want to look back on this part of my life as an idiot teenager, sulking and suffering and being emo. Life can be tough, and there will always be obstacles until the day I die. The way I react to things shows the type of person I am. I've already been told I'm mature beyond my years, but I'm sure I can mature more. Just because I'm just a kid it doesn't mean I can't take matters into my own hands. Nobody has control over my life but me and G-d. Now, don't think me a total anarchist. I do follow the directions of adults when I know that they are right and they are trying to steer me to the right place, because after all, they have been there before while I'm still learning. But if I know what they're doing is wrong, then of course I'm going to take a stand. Because that's what people true to themselves do.
And that's what I want to be more than anything.
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